Ah mon amour

Mr D. and I are having a cyber affair with a mysterious Frenchman named Jean. It all started yesterday when we noticed that Jean was summoning us via messenger on our new laptop. We had no idea who he was. The reason for this is that we just bought the laptop used from some French woman named Mireille in New York and the man obviously wasn't aware of the change in ownership.

"Bonjour? Mireille?" typed Jean. "What should I do? Should I tell him this isn't her laptop anymore?" asked Mr. D.

"No! No! Pretend to be her! Write back!" I exclaimed.

"But we don't speak French" said a shocked Mr. D (not having spent hours of his teenage life playing pranks on the phone as I did, Mr. D has very little experience with these sorts of antics and is easily scandalized).

"Who cares! How hard can it be? Type "Bonjour" and see what he says..."

"Bonjour" we typed.

"Ah! Blah blah blah something something!" typed back Jean.

"I think he wrote that he's happy to see us after so long" I told Mr. D.

"I'm in Tokyo" I typed in French.

"What?! Have you fallen on your head??!!" asked Jean

"Yes I have" I typed back, proud of myself for understanding.

Jean then typed something that neither Mr. D nor myself understood.

"I miss you" I typed after a moment's pause, not able to think of anything else that I knew how to say in French.

Mr. D and I huddled together over the computer, giggling like two junior high school girls while we waited for Jean's response.

(This was an incredibly gratifying moment as I've been trying for years to show Mr. D the joys of immature pranking. This is a man who cannot for the life of him, understand why one person would put toilet paper on another person's house. This is a man who didn't think it was funny at all when my previous boss, an alcoholic in recovery, had me call his sponsor who was manning the AA hot line, and pretend to be the sober half of an alcoholic Siamese twin. And let me tell you, it was TOTALLY funny. Therefore it was quite a coup to entice Mr. D over to the dark side, if only for a few moments.)

In the meantime... Jean seemed to have understood the "I miss you" as being a preamble to a bit of cyber romance and before Mr. D and I knew what was happening, we were being sent a barrage of hearts, kissy faces and various other msn messenger symbols meant to convey passion.

Mr. D became a bit alarmed. "Shouldn't we tell him now?"

"What!? Are you insane?" I responded as I typed away furiously in grievously flawed French. Of course we don't tell him.

So blown away by amour was Jean that he appeared not to notice that in the time he'd been out of touch with Mireille, both her grammar and her spelling had gone on a seemingly horrifying downward spiral. Then again, she had fallen on her head so maybe no explanation was needed.

"Something something something blah blah blah" typed Jean after sending another flurry of kissing lip icons.

Mr. D and I looked at the screen blankly, having no idea what Jean had just written.

"Ah mon cheri..." I typed, hoping that this said it all.

Apparently it did because Jean had only to respond with "Ma belle, ma belle..." and everything was understood between us.

"Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah?" he asked.

Everything was no longer understood. However, having spent the past 3 years living in a country where I rarely understand what anyone ever says to me, I knew how to deal with the situation.  "We just have to sound thoughtful and ambiguous and he'll have no idea we don't understand" I told Mr. D.

"Je ne sais pas" I typed. And again,  "Je ne sais pas..." (Never had such words been so true)

"Ah ma cherie!" exclaimed Jean.

Mr. D and I looked at each other. "Maybe we should say good-bye now..." he said.

Amazed at how easy it was to have an affair with a Frenchman on the computer without actually speaking any French, I was reluctant to end the chat but I decided that perhaps Mr. D was right and that I should tell Jean that I must be on my way.

"Tengo que irme" I wrote in Spanish, hoping that Jean would just think that I was adding a bit of worldly cosmopolitan flair to our chat (and having no idea how to say it in French). "Bye bye" I added in English for emphasis, realizing immediately afterward that "bye bye" isn't the most sophisticated of departures. I sent a few winky faces to show I was being ironic. As usual, Jean seemed to understand just what I was trying to convey.

Comments

[roulette killer]

That's hilarious. Sounds like a very cool ideal

[caloden]

Too funny! Good thing you could finally lend some much needed maturity to your mate's sense of humor! :)

[Jean]

Hi this is Jean !
Comment tu vas Mireille ? Ma cherie, tu me manques !
What ??!!! You are not Mireille ???
Arghhhh.... !!!

[christina]

Hysterical! It's so fun to screw around with people we will never see again - just makes life more interesting - for all of us!

[Denise]

I cant believe he didnt work out it was her. oh well, at least you made his day. You should've looked online for a language converter.

[B]

Why, when you were growing up,did I have the impression that you were a serious child? I did however catch the drift that you were devious. Oh----by the way, that duck cake is great!

[Viking Zen]

I would love to know what will happen next time Mireille runs into Jean...There's a great comic story about to unfold.
My friends and I loved crank calling people randomly when I was a teenager. We had a man convinced he'd won a truckload of soap. When he began to complain about not having enough space to store all the soap, we suggested he shower more often...Good times, good times!

[Katherine Allred]

I am laughing very much, mon cherie.

[Kat]

Excellent but I want to hear more about the sober Siamese twin.

[Stephanie]

HA! What fun to try on someone else's life for a moment. And a bit devilish too?

[nicole]

Absolutely genius! xoxo

[gleek]

:) brilliant moves. "just seem ambiguous"... never has anything subtle been so bold.

[jen]

that is the most brilliant thing i have ever heard.

I got an email from someone's german mama who mistyped the address - I should have written back!